Few weeks ago, two sisters and
I talked about a brother in our church. In our sights, he is so perfect. He is a
godly man that every single-Christian-woman might dream about. I agree with
them. Then one of the sisters said, “But, is he too perfect? Imagine, how can
we marry someone like him? We are broken-hearted girls. Will he accept a girl
like us to be his spouse someday?”
I was kept silent. I did not
know the answer until I shared our conversation to my accountability partner.
“He is a sinner, Novi,” she
said. “When you see him so perfect, it is not him that you see, but Christ, the
perfect God, that lives in him.”
That’s definitely true. “Then,
if he is so perfect, just like Jesus, will it be possible that he accepts a
broken-hearted girl like one of us? I mean, he is sooooooo godly.”
“If he as perfect as our God, he
must be merciful and able to forgive his future wife’s sins in the past.”
“How if the sin is relate to a
sexual relation? It is really serious. Will he forgives?”
“Well, it’s hard for him, since
he is only a human being. But since he is a new creation in Christ, I believe
he can forgive, just like the God Himself. Only God’s children have power to
forgive. And yeah, don’t forget that he is also a sinner, no matter how godly
he is. His future wife should be ready to forgive him too. Who knows that he
might have bad life in the past? Maybe the one who should forgive is not him,
but his future wife.”
I nodded my head, agreed with
her answer.
Well, actually the conversation
was not exactly like that, but as long as I remember, we were talked like that
;p.
I thought it just normal when
we (girls) see a godly man and sometimes feel unworthy for him. But then I
found that it was not that normal. If you feel so unworthy to receive love from
a godly man, maybe you have problem with receiving God’s unconditional love and
forgiveness. I dare to say about this because that’s what I feel during this
lent season. Through many things that happened in my life and around me (e.g. the
conversation I wrote above), God revealed to me my heart issue: I do not really
trust that His love for me is unconditional. I always feel the need to do
anything to prove that I am worthy enough to receive His love. I feel the need
to be sooooooooo godly woman to receive His love! That’s totally wrong and
arrogant.
God loves me unconditionally.
He forgives me without remembering my sins. Instead, as far as the west from
the east, He threw away my sins. He never counts on my transgressions. He sent
His only Son, Jesus Christ, to die for me so that I may live and have an
abundant life in Him! He knows that I was a sinner, is a sinner, and will ever
be a sinner, yet he still loves me, forgives me, even He calls me to be His
coworker to build His Kingdom, the Heaven on earth! Is it sounds crazy, isn’t
it?
During this lent season, I
really need to humble myself before the LORD. For many years, I have been so
arrogant, thinking that I am good enough, worthy enough to receive God’s love
because I am “forever-Christian”. I was born in a Christian family, educated in
Christian schools and Christian university (even had finished 7 theology
classes plus apologetics!), faithfully serve at church, even evangelized some
people. I thank to God for few months ago when He allowed me to fall into sins
that could not be tolerate. That’s really painful to find myself unfaithful to
Jesus. But then I realized that he used my fall into sin to show me how sinful
I am, yet still God loves and accepts me unconditionally.
For these past few weeks, often
I feel guilty, dirty, shame, fear…. Often I cried. For me, it is also hard to
forgive myself. Sometimes, I feel like Peter, who was excited to die for Jesus,
but then easily betrayed Him. I remember confessing my sin to my accountability
partner and Ps. Andrew. Both of them prayed for me and convicted me that God
forgives. Ps. Andrew even asked God in prayer to wash me so that I will be
whiter than snow. He prayed that this painful memory would be a joyful memory
for me, knowing that I am forgiven. He also prayed for me to have a full
confidence in Jesus’ love for nothing can separate me from God’s love.
Until today, I am still
struggling in trusting that Jesus’ love and forgiveness for me is
unconditional. Sometimes, I still feel unworthy of God’s love. But I know that
my heart is getting restored as the Holy Spirit keeps working in my life. Then,
as I think about God’s love and how it may relates with my future spouse, I ask
God for a godly man like Hosea, who loved Gomer, accepted and forgave her
unconditionally. I also promise that no matter how bad was my future spouse’s
past, I will forgive, accept, and love him. I pray that mercy will be one of
our love expressions, so that our love story will glorify the LORD, who is merciful.
Big thanks and praises for
Jesus Christ, the first perfect godly man in the world! Thank you for made me
feel so precious, honored, and loved. Lord, I love to see Jesus lives in this
godly man (the one I talked above), but please have my eyes on you, instead of
him, no matter how awesome is he.
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