It has been four months becoming a fatherless. Somehow it just hard to accept this reality. If you read my previous posts about this lost, you might think of how strong I am. I tell you that I am not. Instead, I still cannot accept this reality. Even I have been asking to God, "Why?"
Why should Papa passed away, God? Do you not know that I still need him?
But God does not explain.
And it hurts me when I read in the Bible that those who respect and love their parents would live longer on earth. I saw how was my father respected and loved my grandmother. I also heard that my father was the one who faithfully take care of my grandfather before he passed away (at that time, Papa was 18 years old). Papa was so obedient to God's command in honoring his parents. But he did not live long. He passed away a month before I graduated.
Why God?
And God does not explain.
Do you know what I feel toward You, God? I feel disappointed. You have promised, right? But why Papa did not live longer?
But He answers. Not the answer that I want, but the answer that I need.
I was amazed when I read through the book of Hebrews and suddenly my eyes caught this sentence:
it is impossible for God to lie (Hebrews 6:18-NIV)
So God does not lie. But still, I don't understand.
God.... If You don't lie, then why don't You give Papa long lives on earth?
Once again, God does not explain. But He answers. Through Deuteronomy 29:29. Honestly, I don't really like this answer, but I stop to ask.
The secret things belong to the LORD our God, but the things revealed belong to us and to our children forever, that we may follow all the words of this law.
So, it is a secret. Someone's life and death is a secret. And what are the things revealed that belong to us (especially my family) and to our children forever?
I feel like God gently asked me back,
Novi, I'm sorry for your lost, but how do you know what I reveal to you, if you remain in your sorrow and bitterness?
Lately, I hear His voice calls me gently to listen to Him. read the Bible, and wrestle in prayer with more eagerness.
Thanks God for taking an initiative to reconcile with me. You know that I am a sinner. It just hard for me to accept Your sovereignty over my life. Please teach me to accept this reality and see the things You reveal to me. I pray that You alone will be glorify through my struggle. For I am weak and You are strong.
O yeah, thanks God because Jesus Christ was in the similar position as me. He was the firstborn for Joseph and Mary. I don't know when, but when Joseph died, Jesus might felt the feelings that I have now. That's really comforting. Every time I miss Papa and my tears drop, I can always trust Jesus to tell my feelings. For You know what I feel. Thanks God.
One thing that I rejoice over this struggle:
I think God wants to be closer with me. He wants more intimacy in our relationship! Nothing is more beautiful and meaningful than that!
Thanks for let me asked the 'why' to You, God....
Next part >>>
Why should Papa passed away, God? Do you not know that I still need him?
But God does not explain.
And it hurts me when I read in the Bible that those who respect and love their parents would live longer on earth. I saw how was my father respected and loved my grandmother. I also heard that my father was the one who faithfully take care of my grandfather before he passed away (at that time, Papa was 18 years old). Papa was so obedient to God's command in honoring his parents. But he did not live long. He passed away a month before I graduated.
Why God?
And God does not explain.
Do you know what I feel toward You, God? I feel disappointed. You have promised, right? But why Papa did not live longer?
But He answers. Not the answer that I want, but the answer that I need.
I was amazed when I read through the book of Hebrews and suddenly my eyes caught this sentence:
it is impossible for God to lie (Hebrews 6:18-NIV)
So God does not lie. But still, I don't understand.
God.... If You don't lie, then why don't You give Papa long lives on earth?
Once again, God does not explain. But He answers. Through Deuteronomy 29:29. Honestly, I don't really like this answer, but I stop to ask.
The secret things belong to the LORD our God, but the things revealed belong to us and to our children forever, that we may follow all the words of this law.
So, it is a secret. Someone's life and death is a secret. And what are the things revealed that belong to us (especially my family) and to our children forever?
I feel like God gently asked me back,
Novi, I'm sorry for your lost, but how do you know what I reveal to you, if you remain in your sorrow and bitterness?
........................................ [TOTALLY SPEECHLESS] ........................................
Lately, I hear His voice calls me gently to listen to Him. read the Bible, and wrestle in prayer with more eagerness.
Thanks God for taking an initiative to reconcile with me. You know that I am a sinner. It just hard for me to accept Your sovereignty over my life. Please teach me to accept this reality and see the things You reveal to me. I pray that You alone will be glorify through my struggle. For I am weak and You are strong.
O yeah, thanks God because Jesus Christ was in the similar position as me. He was the firstborn for Joseph and Mary. I don't know when, but when Joseph died, Jesus might felt the feelings that I have now. That's really comforting. Every time I miss Papa and my tears drop, I can always trust Jesus to tell my feelings. For You know what I feel. Thanks God.
One thing that I rejoice over this struggle:
I think God wants to be closer with me. He wants more intimacy in our relationship! Nothing is more beautiful and meaningful than that!
Thanks for let me asked the 'why' to You, God....
Next part >>>
2 comments:
Thanks for sharing this close to your heart Novi. I really appreaciate, and I think every reader should too, at least in their lives and relationships.
Jerry
Wow! Thanks!
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