Monday, January 21, 2013

Forgive myself as Christ forgives

It was not surprised me when God ended what I started without His permission. I already confessed my sin to Him and trust that He is in control, powerful to recover my life. So when yesterday I found that I lost a "good" thing in my life, I could accept it with thanksgiving in my heart and also tears. One thing that I regret the most is my stupidity these past few months giving up my purity for temporal pleasure. I felt like Esau when he despised his birthright by exchanging it with a bowl of stew. He was rejected by God because of it. Somehow, I was afraid that God might rejects me.

Last night, I spent time with my accountability partner to confess what I did and share the pain in my heart. I really convinced by the Holy Spirit that God really wanted me to talk with her. Before I met her, I asked God to give her wisdom in counseling me. God answered my prayer. She helped me to honestly confess my sins. She rebuked me. She warned me. She prayed for me. And she told me that I am forgiven. No matter whatever I did in the past and how impure I was, God forgave me. It was hard and so painful. As a Christ's disciple, I did a shameful sin that broke my whole being: my mind, my heart, my soul, my body..... All in! I told her that I feel so unworthy, ashamed, guilty.... I feel so desperate that I think I cannot forgive myself!! I remember she looked at me and said that Jesus came to this world not only for a reconciliation between God and human, but also to bring a reconciliation between human.That means, there should be a reconciliation between myself and I. She said, "You're still the apple of His eye." That's really encouraged me to raise up.

Really, I don't want to repeat it again!!! I wish I could back in the past and did the right things in God's eyes.

I came to the Lord and ask forgiveness. I wonder if others are able to forgive me if they know what I did. I have no doubt that I am a GREAT SINNER. I just too smart to pretend as a nice, young Christian girl. I spent a lot of time pray to the Lord and seeking His forgiveness through meditation on the Scripture.

This morning I felt an urgency to read the book of Romans, especially the verses I highlighted in chapter 5-8. As I read, I felt God's compassion, love, and forgiveness showering me. I am forgiven. I AM FORGIVEN. I AM LOVED. THERE IS NO CONDEMNATION. The only thing I need is to ACCEPT His forgiveness and forgive myself.

Thanks to the Lord, by experiencing this falling I learned very good lessons about God, His redemption, His forgiveness with deeper understanding than before.
  1. Relationship with God and focusing to the Lord are the most important things for no one can live without God. Once I lost my focus to the Lord, I slipped down and fell to sin. I deeply regret it. By accepting Lord Jesus Christ as my Savior, He has to be the center of my life.
  2. God is never late to save and deliver His people. When I was falling, He caught me before it was too late. I cannot imagine what would happened next month if He did not take control over my life.
  3. All my sins in the past, today, or even in the future already forgiven at the cross of Jesus Christ.That's definitely amazing grace!
  4. When Jesus said on the cross, "It is finished", it really means FINISH. Therefore I must close this chapter of life. A chapter of grief, regretful, shame, guilt, and hurt should be closed before I move on to the next chapter. Therefore, I must forgive myself just as Jesus forgives me.
  5. No condemnation for those who live in Christ. Whom shall I fear, then?
  6. Nothing can separates me from God's love. God told me that I am belong to Him.
  7. I have to die for my sins and live for Christ.
It may take several months or even years to forgive myself, forgive the person who caused me to do sin, and get my heart restored; but as I have been forgiven, now I am the new creation in Christ Jesus. I am free to worship Jesus and continue to be His disciples. Four things He had done to get me back:
  • He told me that I am forgiven.
  • He told me that I am still useful for His kingdom's sake (that's why I wrote this post).
  • He told me how I fell.
  • He told me how to not fall again. He rebuked me. He warned me.

Now the past has gone. I hope it will be finished well and become a strong testimony about God's love and forgiveness so that more great sinners come to Him and call Him "Our Heavenly Father...." for no man has so committed in love with me, except Jesus Christ who gave His life on the cross.

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