Friday, October 18, 2013

Is God my only shield?

Note: I wrote this post to other single ladies who struggle to keep their heart focus on their Heavenly Husband while they are waiting for the ones God has prepared.

One thing that I struggle so much as I become an adult is relationship with man. I know for sure that now is not the right time for me to get into a courtship. It does not mean I have not experience it before. I have experienced and failed. I don't want to experience it again. Instead, I wan to focus my heart and mind to Jesus Christ. I must let Christ be my everything, my center of life first. I have to set the boundaries so that I might not involve in any love-relationship until God Himself brings me to my Adam.

But, to guard my heart is quite hard.

First, I have to admit that I often feel lonely. I know exactly that I need someone to share life with.

Second, I need a man figure, especially now, as I am fatherless.

So, how should I protect my heart? Looking at two challenges above, it is impossible for me to guard my heart alone. I need God as my protector, my shield, my strength, my refuge. I need Him to hide me behind the cross, especially in front of the guys. But I just...... failed.

Few months ago, I found someone got interested in me. He just started when I realized it and got panic. I was afraid that I might be blind and get into a love-relationship with him too quick, then forget my Lord. I know myself, I know my weaknesses.... I don't want any heart-break and tears happen again.

I did pray. Really serious. I said to God, "Please speak to him. Let him know that he cannot approach me. Not now. You know God, I am not ready."

And this guy kept calling and sending messages, even some candid pictures of me!

My brother and I
I got more panic. I was looking for something that I could do to stop this guy. Right at the moment I remember this picture, I used it as display picture in BB and profile picture in FB.

It worked. He stopped to call me. He stopped to send me BBM or any text messages. And he disappeared.

For a while, I felt at ease knowing that he stopped to approach me. But then, I felt guilty toward God. I prayed and asked for a protection. Did I trust Him? Sadly, I have to be honest to say, "No."

Somehow, I was being dishonest by using this picture as my display picture on BB and profile picture on FB. People keep thinking that the guy next to me is my boyfriend. I let them hold this knowledge as one fact about me, although it is not true. This guy is my brother and we like to take picture together.

I think it is not wrong if my brother protects me from any guy. That's his role in my life. But if he becomes my source of protection, then I am totally a liar. What does my prayer mean?

I had to admit before the Lord that I was sinning against Him by mistrusting His protection for me. Somehow, I didn't trust that He alone is able to keep me from another heart-breaking story with wrong man in wrong circumstance. I didn't trust that He cares on this matter. I didn't realize that He even has His own idea of protecting me.

Two months passed. No one is pursuing my heart now, but I choose to trust God. I want Him to be my only shield. I promise to not use my brother (even his picture with me) as my shield. Sometimes (or often) it just hard to see that God protects us. I often find that it is hard to trust that He keeps us from anyone or anything that might harm or destroy us. But I want to learn having faith on Him.

Lately, I find a charming man likes to give comment on my BB status. This time, the Holy Spirit helps me to trust in God's protection by lifting up prayers. Then, He guides me to be accountable by sharing this matter to my spiritual leader when we have our Bible study. I also shared this matter to some sisters that can support me to guide my heart. Thankfully, I do not need to lean on my understanding and choose my own way. Instead, I can put my trust in the Lord. This charming man cannot do anything to attract or get my heart because God is my only shield. Now, I don't need to be afraid to have friendship with the opposite sex (but still need to keep aware). Thanks God, I can feel secure because no one can reach out to my heart unless he asks me from the Lord.

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