I thought these twelve months were enough to accept this lost. Although there was almost no tears for these last few months, I found myself was in a deep sorrow when the date turned to be April 28. So it was and is still hurt for me to lost my dad. Even I found myself could not stop to cry. Nothing and no one could help, just like in the song that the people sang a year ago to comfort us:
Tak satupun dapat menghiburku
Tak seorangpun dapat menolongku
Hanya Yesus jawaban hidupku
(No one could comfort me
No one could help me
Only Jesus, the answer of my life)
Life does not getting easier after a year. Someone is missing. My dad is missing. He is no longer with me. When I went home during holiday, he was not there. He did not pick me up at the airport. When ordered a set menu for 4 people, we had an extra one. Someone is missing. When I went to visit my relatives from dad's side, everything was just the same but..... he was not there to laugh with us.
Since my dad passed away, I have been thinking that his role as the provider of our family is now handed to me. Never once my salary is enough to pay my brother's education. By God's wonderful work, we got what we need. We lack nothing. But life without dad is not about facing the financial struggle without a working dad. Life without dad is a reality that we lost an irreplaceable person.
And God knows how irreplaceable my dad is. While other persons keep telling me to not be sad (come on, it's already a year!), God let me know that He feels what I feel. He let me know that it is okay to still crying although a year has passed. It is okay to feel that no one could replace my dad, for it is true that he is irreplaceable. While others reject my tears by saying, "Do not cry", God let me cry until it is dry. While others demand me to be strong, it is okay to be weak before Him for He is strong. He knows my sorrow in detail.
Record my misery;
list my tears on your scroll—
are they not in your record?
Here is the Indonesian version of this verse that made me feel so sure about how much God cares. Indeed, he cares for every single sorrow in our life.
Sengsaraku Engkaulah yang menghitung-hitung, air mataku Kautaruh ke dalam kirbat-Mu. Bukankah semuanya telah Kaudaftarkan?(Mazmur 56:8)
As long as it is still hurt for me, I would like to cry until it is dry. It's okay if people around me keep rejecting my tears; for I know that God will always let me cry as He knows exactly what I feel. But I won't let myself become hopeless. Instead, I would like to keep talking to myself, "Why are you so downcast, O my soul? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my savior and my God!" -Psalm 42:5-